February 11, 2015 I started my first ‘big girl’ fashion PR focused job. I had been living in New York for 9 months, sleeping on a blow up mattress in a family friend’s living room while participating in an unpaid internship for 5 of those months, and working at yoga studio part time to supplement the sacrifice of free labor. We’re talking moved from tiny Kent, Ohio where life was quite simple and dare I say boringly pleasant to NYC where the struggle was so real and peace must be purchased. I cleared out my savings account, ate a ton of cereal, had days where I seriously regretted the move, and finally made it to that memorable day.
February 11, 2015
If you read my post from that day “AND RUMORS I’M ON THE VERGE OF A NEW MERGE…” you can almost feel my optimism and excitement. The epiphany though not as revolutionary as it somehow felt in retrospect marked the beginning of my journey to today. I discussed expectations vs. reality, comparison being the thief of joy, and the trouble with social media filters. All points that are still relevant in the present but have taken on more depth in meaning.
This new job felt exciting, and promising, it felt like the light at the end of the tunnel, the end goal I had been working towards; and in many ways it was. For the moment. Now that I’m over a year in and marginally wiser I realize it was exactly what I needed at the time. NOW that’s not to say it was a walk in the park. It was hard, and miserable, some days I cried, and some days I almost just quit.
Perseverance could probably be what I’d call a title theme of the year. I think I carried on and progressed and overcame hurdles out of necessity. Multilevel necessity maybe? The necessity firstly not to starve or go backward professionally. To avoid resulting to the times of BEC sandwiches from the bodega for every meal and of course the necessity to pay for my rent. That whole adulting thing must be abided by at some point
But more fundamentally speaking I stayed out of a necessity to for once feel still
A necessity to feel grounded, steady, calm, and capable, a necessity to feel content in the now. Being a military brat has given me the luxury to move on or move forward every few years. To start over somewhere new, to reestablish a home base, a core group, go-to activities. But in adulthood this desire to run, move, or escape isn’t practical. So I forced myself to stay and learn the skill of being “still” I’ve found countless Bible verses about the power and relevance of being able to be still. Hitting the year mark required a great deal of patience, prayer, and even grit. It required me to right human nature, and to stay put, despite the desire to run it taught me to be still.
And now having greatly improved upon my ability not to run, I’m struggling with the ability to discern the difference between being still and settling…cut to present day.