I spent the premier chapter of my life planning.
Plotting out my life in goals and in milestones. Checking off boxes that somehow equated a successful life. Climbing steps that determine if I’ll reach the next ‘happy’ life moment. All of these things were supposed to mean success.
-  Bachelors Degree
-  Master’s Degree
-  Moved to NYC
-  Moved to DC
- [Eh] Fulfilling Career
- [NOPE] A Fulfilling and mutually beneficial budding relationship
Failing to add checks somehow meant missing the mark on happy. I’d instead land on disappointment. It shouldn’t be that way. Completed steps shouldn’t equal perfection, perfection shouldn’t equal happy.
So there I was, deconstructing the personal mold I’d spent years subconsciously creating.
So I stopped planning, I stopped aiming for the cookie cutter play out of life and started going with the flow. Relaxing and relinquishing a plan was a hard concept for me to adjust to. But with time I started making decisions based on the moment, going with how I felt and hoping for the best. Leaping out on faith and praying God would catch me, catch me with a cloud of happy. In moving from NYC to DC (yet another spontaneous sprint at elusive happy) I still found the expected pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to be absent. Thus blessing me with another quintessential revelation about self.
When it comes to the pursuit of my happiness, I am relentless. I am unable to compromise, or stop trying until I’ve reached a place of content. A comfortable spot on which to build more opportunities for happy
This inner steady madness has manifested itself in the form of running.
Baby I’m a runner
Not necessarily in the way you’d typically expect. Certainly not physically running. I’m not running away from anything. But more towards it, in uncoordinated, hastily planned and fleeting movements. Frantically even sometimes, I’m just running. Running because I know happiness is out there and eventually I’ll have to run into it. Fearful It might be around the next corner or opportunity I miss. Fearful it requires a leap I did not take or a calling I did not hear. So I run hoping to slam into it. To crash into happy
If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again…I’m quick to assess and reevaluate
Having developed some awareness of the dangers of wildly running about based on a pursuit of a fleeting feeling, I’ve been trying to consciously work against my instinct to run when I fail to find happy where I thought it might be. I’ve been trying to slow down and become more mindful.
It’s a reoccurring theme in my 20’s, plus Oprah says…
Get still. And I’m trying. I want to, I really do. The chase can be exhausting and I don’t want to have to run forever. I want to settle, I want to feel still, I want to manifest happy here, here being wherever I end up. A novel virtue preached by all the enlightened beings, I want to be somewhere long enough to manifest happy inside self. And if I’m being honest with myself I can’t even say that I’m done with running, the longing is certainly still there, the desire and freedom of packing up and moving or starting over is something I take pride in. But there’s something to be said and appreciated about being still.
I’m devoting this chapter to sitting still so that I can run. Run with purpose.
Although this chapter has left boxes unchecked and the desire to run nags from the inside, I’m making the decision not to move. Instead I’m trying to sit still until a direction is determined. This should ideally cut down on my tendency to repeat offenses. I hope it’ll prevent me from repeating a chapter where happy isn’t present and disappointment casts a long shadow of doubt on things that should bear the shine of pride in accomplishment. Locally I’m taking the time build doors where there are none, to run within the city limits of where I’ve landed, to chase opportunity here, to open myself up to the possibility for happy here. Even though FOMO plagues me and my ability to adapt says happy is on the next flight away from here, I’m making a commitment to stay.
Look out for new business ventures that I am incredibly excited about in the works!!